TPMMuckraker
American Police Force Offers Fugitive Tracking, 'Covert Pregnancy Testing' and More!
Rachel Slajda | October 1, 2009, 11:24AM
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When reading TPMmuckraker's coverage of American Police Force, the shadowy private security firm that's taken over a prison in Montana, you might wonder what other services APF offers. Surely, you think, they do more than run empty jails for mysterious reasons?
Indeed they do. According to its web site, the company offers a wide range of services, including "Check Your Mate" cheating spouses investigations, "fugitive recovery" for fugitives hiding in one of those pesky non-extradition countries and help if a loved one is kidnapped and held for ransom.
Or is it the other way around?
Our highly trained staff will discover information that fits your needs to get the answers you need. Some of our services include Kidknapping & Ransoms for ransom, INTL Air Marshalls, Security for convoys in Iraq, Pakistan + More!
Although the firm provides SWAT training and convoy security in war zones and has "interdicted weapons of mass destruction," it also takes your marriage seriously.
Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome. Married husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity. In the non-marital relationships its commonly known as cheating and we can help you figure out what's really going on.
One way to help is something called "covert pregnancy testing."
On a "weapons" page -- which has been pulled since yesterday -- APF listed all of the equipment it offers for sale, including machine guns, satellite phones, armored cars ... and "nuclear/biological/chemical (WMD)."
If it wasn't comical bordering on ridiculous, one might be worried that the head of this company has an extensive criminal record.
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jeffgee
October 1, 2009 11:39 AM
This sounds like the the plot from last season's "24". Shadowy Blackwater-like paramilitary corporation gets WMDs - in "24" it was a nerve agent - then holds cities for ransom. The ransom is to let the Blackwater-like corporation take over the military. And the villain was played by Jon Voight!
Maybe that's how Perry gets the coup he wants.
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fsudirectory
October 1, 2009 11:43 AM
Seems like Voight would play that character in real life too if he could
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JNagarya
October 1, 2009 12:56 PM in reply to fsudirectory
He'd have to fight it out with Chuck Norris.
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Cool Blue Reason
October 1, 2009 11:52 AM
I mean, what else are they going to do with the WMD that they interdict?
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The Old Grouch
October 1, 2009 12:01 PM
Predator drone strike, anyone?
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luckysitsinback
October 1, 2009 12:07 PM
but josh, there must be an award for you all. i mean, the slobbery comments here...gee whatziz, theatre of the absurd??
http://www.kulr8.com/news/local/61320122.html
oh, wait--did they do that italian yellowcake letter, too?
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Doyna
October 1, 2009 12:13 PM
But what is with the reversed TSARIST coat-of-arms?
http://www.marketworks.com/fullView.asp?sf=y&nb=1&id='138845386'&img=http://images.auctionworks.com/hi/49/49296/imperial_eagle_leather.jpg
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Doyna
October 1, 2009 12:15 PM
But what is with the reversed TSARIST coat-of-arms? http://tr.im/Alix
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kirenos
October 1, 2009 12:19 PM in reply to Doyna
not quite --
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serbian_coat_of_arms
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CT Voter
October 1, 2009 12:16 PM
Jeepers. Did Jack Bonner write this?
Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome.
They might all have a different definition? WTF does that mean? And but at APF its a category all by its lonesome The missing apostrophe is too easy, so I'll move on to wondering what is a category all by what's lonesome????
Either Jack Bonner wrote this, or that fired "temporary employee" from Bonner Associates did...
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Doyna
October 1, 2009 12:16 PM
Apologies for the double post. First time poster.
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SkippyFlipjack
October 1, 2009 12:22 PM
I like their mission statement, which begins: "American Police Force is dedicated to maintaining our well deserved professional reputation as a results oriented full-service private investigative and security agency by way of commitment, diligence [etc]..."
Their primary directive is maintaining their reputation? Shouldn't it be, like, saving people and shit?
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JNagarya
October 1, 2009 1:02 PM in reply to SkippyFlipjack
Nope. You pay them to do stuff, then they stand around and protect their professional reputation by assuring you that they are professional, and have a reputation for being professionals at protecting their professional reputation.
All while interdicting adulterating spouses, and either charging or paying ransoms.
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CT Voter
October 1, 2009 1:04 PM in reply to JNagarya
And conducting covert pregnancy tests.
In contrast to all those other loser firms out there conducting overt pregnancy tests.
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greylox
October 1, 2009 7:09 PM in reply to CT Voter
**And helping with "Kidknapping."
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JNagarya
October 6, 2009 2:16 PM in reply to CT Voter
Just how do they conduct covert pregnancy tests? Is it something like rigging the peep-hole in the woman's hotel room, and insuring that they'll be results?
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GregorZap
October 1, 2009 12:36 PM
This photo is very encouraging! Security forces behind masks! There's a lot to be said for having a reputation so stellar one has to shield their identity. I'm also very excited about how they will round up the yuppies regardless of gender. I mean, those low-level, college-educated, liberal-leaning, desk jockey socialists are the biggest threat I know of the REAL Americans. The fact that the "policeman" feels the need to carry a semi-automatic weapon to enforce the law is not excessive either. He's got a second amendment and he means it use it. We just can't do that enough.
SNARK!!!! Thought I would say that incse it wasn't obvious.
This is a big distraction. Can we be done with it and talk Health Care Reform now?
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Icarus
October 1, 2009 1:01 PM
Not a good idea, having security forces wear masks -- makes officers look more like assassins. Maybe that's the idea.
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EH
October 1, 2009 1:09 PM
Ugh, this all has to be a joke, a healthcare distraction or something.
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CT Voter
October 1, 2009 1:12 PM in reply to EH
Go check the site out. There's some awesome writing:
In the commercial industry there are people, again usually businessmen or celebrities, who need protection while traveling, as well as at home, due to their profile or business activities are very high-profile businessmen operating in dangerous places who need a high level of personal protection against criminal and terrorist threats.
If this isn't a joke, it should be.
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will o dwisp
October 1, 2009 1:56 PM in reply to CT Voter
English from Mandarin?
The specific patterns of poor grammar on the APF website look familiar to me -a lot like the poor english descriptions of machinery for sale directly from China on sites like alibaba.com and made-in-china.com. I have also had email conversations with salesmen from these Chinese factories, resulting in very similar grammar and quirky slang usage (similar to the use of "all by it's lonesome" above).
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midnight rambler
October 1, 2009 2:37 PM in reply to will o dwisp
From Serbian via Google Translate?
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Powkat
October 1, 2009 3:05 PM in reply to EH
I'm guessing just another scam by 'Michael Hilton' And the county official who sold off the police station looks pretty shifty, too. If you've ever lived in a small town, you know the kind of weasel he is.
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PhnxHusseinRising
October 1, 2009 1:48 PM
You all shut down their server.
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CareyInLA
October 1, 2009 1:55 PM
With "American Police Force" providing images like that featured in the article they have cornered the market on APF parody all by themselves.
"Eat hot Uzi lead you yuppie philanderers! The cute blonde gets it first!"
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Barbara B
October 1, 2009 2:28 PM
The Billings Gazette comment thread on this circus is even more entertaining:
http://www.billingsgazette.com/news/state-and-regional/montana/article_023e1c90-ae1b-11de-8891-001cc4c03286.html?mode=comments
My favorite: "Why must everyone be so judgemental? If you've never been a con
artist, what right do you have to question it?"
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mcrose68
October 1, 2009 2:50 PM
From the Montana Standard article (http://www.mtstandard.com/articles/2009/10/01/state/hjjajagjhgidgh.txt)
"Once I know that there is an asset or some sort of funds to go after, we'll go after it," said Call's attorney, Roger Naghash.
How much you want to bet that Mr Hilton will offer APF assests for hire for this purpose?
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will o dwisp
October 1, 2009 3:32 PM
APF has "taken over a prison in Montana".
To use as a prison or as a fort?
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Kuyleh
October 1, 2009 4:21 PM
Exactly how do you do a covert pregnancy test? I'm assuming this is on an unwilling person, as there are multiple ways to take a pregnancy test without your mate finding out on your own. I've done it before. >.>
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Johann
October 1, 2009 4:39 PM
What the hell is "covert pregnancy testing".
That sounds like if you believe someone is pregnant, they will contract with you to steal a blood sample and have it tested?
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Doyna
October 1, 2009 5:17 PM in reply to Johann
They're stealing urine. I bet they have a lucrative side line in helping people pass drug tests. Of course, it's hard to imagine a sideline to covert pregnancy tests.
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witty1
October 1, 2009 5:51 PM in reply to Doyna
I wonder what kind of profits one can realize in covert pregnancy testing?
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Doyna
October 1, 2009 5:19 PM
Double headed eagles. Perhaps they're rebel Hittites.
http://tr.im/AmWr
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elle a
October 2, 2009 12:06 AM
wtf?
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etdave
October 2, 2009 11:12 AM
they also list "duffle bags" among their supplies. Apparently I, as a 7th grader, had in my locker the foundation for a paramilitary strike-force.
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severina
October 5, 2009 3:59 AM
Does anyone know why they are using the Serbian coat of arms as their logo?
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