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TPM Reader Challenge: The Sex-Scandal Haiku!
Zachary Roth | November 27, 2009, 11:46AM
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The Los Angeles Times notes that a text sent by Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) to his girlfriend is just one syllable away from being a haiku -- the Japanese poetic form that consists of five syllables in the first and third lines, and seven in the second.
Wrote Ensign to his beloved:
How wonderful it is/ Can't believe, it's like a kid/ Scared, but excited.
That prompts the Times to compose its own Ensign-based haiku:
Dreading my next race.
Can't believe all the damage.
Scared but ... yeah, still scared.
And it got us thinking it might be fun to do the same for other recent political sex scandals. A certain southern GOP governor was the obvious next candidate:
Argentina beats
the Appalachian Trail. Hey,
I'm like King David!
Now it's your turn! You've got John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, "Hot Mike" Duvall, and a host of others to work with. Email us your haikus, and we'll post the best ones...
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FlownOver
November 27, 2009 12:32 PM
Wasilla wacko's
Not-quite-son-in-law naked.
Family values?
or
Right-wing moralist
Takes a week off for "hiking."
Argentina calls.
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Clavis
November 27, 2009 12:45 PM
Washington, DC
is like a well-made diaper...
Highly absorbent.
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will o dwisp
November 27, 2009 1:15 PM
Family Values guy
flew to Buenos Aires for...
the Buenos Tetas
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will o dwisp
November 27, 2009 1:42 PM
Beck domain name caused
feverish protestation
proves it must be true
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Publishermike
November 27, 2009 1:53 PM
Republican angst
crashing like a tidal wave
drowned in kinky sex
or
Crazed birthers shouting,
The call of the tea party.
Naughty hormones rage.
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will o dwisp
November 27, 2009 2:15 PM
Columbian fun
More Viagra, more boys please
Soon we'll catch you Rush
or
More Viagra please
for my Columbia trip
Limbaugh has limpballs
.
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tiowally
November 27, 2009 7:43 PM in reply to will o dwisp
May I suggest replacing "Columbian" with "Dominican"? (Rush was stopped with Viagra returning from the Dominican Republic.)
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will o dwisp
November 27, 2009 9:35 PM in reply to tiowally
Drat -you're right -turkey hangover
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tiowally
November 27, 2009 10:32 PM in reply to will o dwisp
Understood.
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will o dwisp
November 28, 2009 1:31 PM in reply to will o dwisp
ok fixed
Dominican fun
More Viagra, more boys please
Soon we'll catch you Rush
or
More Viagra please
for my Dominican trip
Limbaugh has limpballs
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Unmitigated Audacity
November 27, 2009 2:40 PM
Oh, my ass is sore
Summers blows oligarchy
we get a schtooping
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MrSmith1
November 27, 2009 3:07 PM
Applachian trails,
Can not keep Sanford's ... int'rest,
He heads further South.
Or:
Ensign paid cuckold,
Tried to keep affair going,
He has no morals.
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notKeith
November 27, 2009 3:23 PM
(1)
Larry Craig's sorrow:
Levi's Johnson is not there
in that Playgirl spread
(2)
Gawd, was that chick hot
C Street House sees that raised hand
and forgives you, man
(3)
Palin and Prejean
Could market the Next Big Thing:
Scope on a dildo
(4)
Don't ask and don't tell
When sitting by a hot mike
Duvall's a dumb ass
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tiowally
November 28, 2009 6:56 AM in reply to notKeith
All of them: Brilliant!
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kevbo
November 27, 2009 3:34 PM
Lobbyist calls me
my manseed still drips down there
Whoa! Is this mic hot?
Two thirds your tithing
went to gay hooker and meth.
The rest was wasted
Guilty plea was wrong
Tapping foot is not a crime
I have a wide stance
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jollyroger
November 28, 2009 6:54 PM in reply to kevbo
a pure trifecta!
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CityGuy
November 27, 2009 4:20 PM
I'v already emailed mine in:
Larry Craig is gone
Surely others remain in the GOP
The stall door swings shut
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Ken Riley
November 27, 2009 4:36 PM
Here's a riff on one of Sanford's famous emails:
erotic beauty
on the appalachian trail
night light's faded glow
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Fred Polvere
November 27, 2009 5:23 PM
Mark Sanford
========================
Appalachian Trail
Due West - Live Boldly – Head South
Argentina Daze
John Edwards
==========================
No did not ever
Could not be my child – never
Now I fade from view
John Ensign
===========================
Keep friends very close
Know no boundaries of love
Daddy will fix it
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M.L.H.
November 27, 2009 6:52 PM
John Edwards
=========================
My wife is dying.
My career has no traction.
My girlfriend is hot.
David Vitter
=========================
My wife won't let me
Wear diapers while doing it.
But a hooker will!
John Ensign
=========================
Some Nevada facts.
Life is cheap. Voters are dumb.
Sex is expensive.
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M.L.H.
November 27, 2009 6:59 PM in reply to M.L.H.
A slight improvement on the second one.
David Vitter
=========================
My wife won't let me
Wear diapers while doing it.
Thank Christ for hookers!
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tiowally
November 27, 2009 7:24 PM
Sanford —
When truthiness fails
A biblical figure be?
Such baffling bullshit.
Sanford (and Ensign?) en español —
Yo no lo hice
Yo soy un hombre santo
Confía en mí
Translation:
I did not do it
I am a holy man
Trust me
Palin —
Levi boinked Bristol
And Bristol had a baby
Then Sarah cashed checks
Levi does Playgirl
Sarah smiles for Borders crowd
All of the checks clear
And finally —
Hit by snow machine
Mercifully killing me
No more Palin news
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elle a
November 28, 2009 12:11 AM in reply to tiowally
flagged, fanned and loved!!!
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wake up
November 27, 2009 10:08 PM
The former beauty queen
Who winks her way through debates
Tsk tsks at Levi.
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wake up
November 27, 2009 10:13 PM
Sen. Craig
Between flights, furtive,
The heart reduced to Morse code --
Feet tapping in stalls.
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tiowally
November 27, 2009 10:37 PM in reply to wake up
May I suggest replacing "in stalls" to ", tapping ...."?
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wake up
November 28, 2009 5:25 AM in reply to tiowally
Nice -- good edit.
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Gromyt
November 28, 2009 3:45 AM
Sanford
Long hike off a short
Skirt: Appalachian Tale;
Happy Father's Day!
Sanford
AWOL is Spanish
For glorious sweet kisses
From a lovestruck gov.
Sanford
Two magnificent
Parts of yourself: hopelessly
Impossible lust.*
* language from the infamous skeevy emails
Ensign
Used u for my own
Pleasure, no regard 4 god
Or Family, C?
Ensign
In the casino
Of life, I bet on you &
My parents paid out.
Ensign
Crowded my bed with
God, you, my own pleasure spent
$12,000 per head.
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tiowally
November 28, 2009 6:19 AM
Palin Haiku 2X —
There once was a girl
From Wasilla, whose bus was
a plane owned by Graham
Though perky she be
A fraud such as she, will ne'er
Say much more than "Waah!"
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tiowally
November 28, 2009 6:44 AM in reply to tiowally
I guess that would be more "Palin as limerickal haiku"?
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FebM
November 28, 2009 11:33 AM
Cindy was cheesy
But the winky lady
from Wasilla
pumped wattage in my spine
the WH beckoned
almost, almost
till my fragile backbone
crumbled
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Jonathan Swiftboat
November 28, 2009 1:26 PM
Palin and Prejean
Madames Moron and Less On
Ladies of the Right
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Jonathan Swiftboat
November 28, 2009 1:32 PM
Republican oafs
Break their hypocritic oaths
in "C" Street whorehouse
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Jonathan Swiftboat
November 28, 2009 1:34 PM
More Americans
Would rather see Todd Palin
Naked than Levi
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GayIthacan
November 28, 2009 5:23 PM
Which United State.....
Has the most inane voters?
South Carolina.
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GayIthacan
November 28, 2009 6:18 PM
Fiery Latina!
What's that dark spot on your neck?
"It's a Sanford Mark!"
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The Decider
November 29, 2009 2:04 AM
The liberals post,
little about politics,
but sex turns them on!
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The Decider
November 29, 2009 2:06 AM
Conservatives boast,
about family values,
but sex turns them on!
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njlib
November 29, 2009 11:24 AM
they make little sense
because they are short and dull
I think haiku's suck
Hey! that's a Haiku, I'm a poet and din't know it.
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Larry McD
November 29, 2009 3:04 PM
Pasty old white guys
Morals flabby as their flesh:
Sounds like "Lecture Us."
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